Rantings of a madman

So, this is my midnight rambling, from a white hetero cismale..so please read with a grain of salt.but to me, labels of gender/sexual orientation…we keep adding more and more labels.

Is that really necessary?

I mean, like, people talk about not wanting to be put into boxes, and the way I’ve always understood sexual orientation/gender ID is that those are nebulous concepts beyond language and thus when we describe them, we’re sort of..approximating.

So when I say I’m a hetero cismale, that doesn’t mean that I’d never ever ever have sex with another bloke, nor that I’m 100% “traditionally masculine in all ways” (in fact, I think I’m fairly effeminate). Like, I am very different from some other straight cismales, and I’d expect gay people have diversity like that too, and bisexuals, and so on. 

Like, when someone identifies as a gender/sexual orientation,I don’t see that as a “box”, I see that as like saying “I’m somewhere in Asia” which includes Japan, China, Korea, India,  Siberia—all of which are very different, but are all very much in Asia. Like, I’m a straight cismale, so, let’s keep using the example of Asia—maybe I’m somewhere in Indonesia, but some other straight cisdude is in..say Thailand.

Why can’t people just admit that things like sexual orientation and gender identity are in many ways social/psychological constructs and thus inherently nebulous and attempting to describe them to the nth degree is…pointless? Or don’t other people understand that?

Like, we don’t really need a word for “I’m a purse-carrying purple-haired straight cismale who wouldn’t necessarily object to feminine pronouns being used regarding him, but isn’t sure since nobody really has, and would probably try sex with men out of curiosity under the right circumstances (read: divorce), but doesn’t expect it would work out very well because penises aren’t inherently interesting to him,” do we? 

I mean, do people accept gender identity and sexual orientation are a continuum but that that continuum is at all 100% rational, or even describable? 

Isn’t “basically straight cismale” close enough? For that matter—can’t the “basically” be assumed? Or do we need to get into the nitty gritty? And, personally, I’m also a fan of terms like “genderfluid,” or “genderqueer” or “queer” like..”fuck if I know, right?”  It’s not like this is sex/gender Battleship and we have to know if we sunk your submarine, this is more about like…gaining civil liberties, and to a lesser extent “what pronoun do you prefer?” and “is there any chance of us bumping uglies? Are you interested in my uglies?”

Like, blue is a color, purple is a color, why do I have to say, or know what exact hex code you are/I am—why isn’t ”purply-blue-ish” good enough, especially if we’re not sex pardners. I misspelled that on purpose because John Wayne.

Good night.

I’m scared. I’m scared so often. I’m scared this will never stop. I’m scared I’ll have another anxiety episode Monday. I’m scared I won’t be able to work. I’m scared my fear will consume me to the point it damages my marriage.

I’m afraid the Prozac I’m taking will turn me into a sexless zombie. I’m scared I’ll never be able to stop taking the Klonopin and that I’ll never be able to enjoy the simple pleasure of having a beer again. I’m scared that I’ll end up addicted.

I’m scared to let my guard down.  I’m scared I’m going to end up in whatever equivalent of an insane asylum we have today.

I know these aren’t going to happen. Deep, deep in my core I know they won’t happen. But these anxiety episodes are cracks in my surface, cracks where I’m not sure, cracks where I’m vulnerable.

This morning started out pretty rough. It took me a good ten minutes or so to get out of bed and take my meds, and now I’m at least able to think properly again and function.  I know even the Klonopin hasn’t kicked in yet, and that most of this…I can’t say calmness, but calmerness I’m feeling is me and that feels…really good. My muscles ache when I’m having these..episodes.

and as stupid as it seems to say this—seeing Iron Man 3, and seeing a flipping super-hero deal with panic attacks, even if it’s in a weird..Hollywood sort of way? That helped me, like a lot. Which makes me feel kinda..dumb, but oh well.

Decided to stop pirating music..so I went through, sorted out what was pirated, then sorted that by what I actually wanted to keep and what could go, then sorted that by what is available on Google Play..and now I have just a tiny bit to replace.